Listen up boys and girls, we have a special guest today in class. You know ‘em. You love ‘em. It’s The Big Lead, class. Now for some reason, The Big Lead thinks I’m a reputable blogger. First I was allowed to guest blog, for two days no less, while they were on vacation. Then, time was actually taken to participate in an interview…such that it was. Now all you fight fans know what The Big Lead is about. They love Lost, Kate Mara, Whitlock (Just Kidding!), and Jessica Biel’s ass. As my granddaddy used to say, “Ain’t nothing wrong with that.” I had a chance to ask 20 asinine questions. Here are the more intelligent answers.
1. Kate Mara or Jessica Biel?
TBL: To date, Mara; to bed, Biel.
2. Would you watch EVERY televised WNBA game, in one season, if it meant never having to pay taxes of any kind for the rest of your life? No fast forwarding allowed.
TBL: How many games in a season? How many minutes in a game? How many teams in the league? This can't be that bad. Sure.
3. If you could smack one college professor in the face, who would it be? Why?
TBL: Does Bob Knight count? If not, one of the assclowns at Auburn handing out free grades to the football players.
4. Once, a guy trimmed the tree branches in our yard and my mom gave him a couple slices of cake, in lieu of money. He was actually happy to receive the cake. This is a pretty common practice here in the south. Would that fly up anywhere else in the country?
TBL: It depends on the quality of the cake. If it's something of the ice cream variety, hell no. But if we're talking some really good Betty Crocker shit, we may have a deal.
5. The Raiders, by some miracle, are playing an undefeated Patriots team in the AFC Championship Game. The game starts at 3:30. At 3:15, the tv in the living room blows out. Your girl is watching the tv in the bedroom and she’s not budging. The tv in the garage gets piss poor reception. You live 5 miles from Wal-Mart, 25 minutes from the nearest sports bar, and you’re neighbors are assholes. What do you do?
TBL: Leave the gun, take the cannoli. Or, I tell the wife I'll take her to dinner tonight and do the dishes for a week. She'd budge. If she didn't, I'd scarf down some beans, stink up the room, and she'd eventually leave. For the record, I'm never setting foot in Wal-Mart again. It's the worst company on earth. Now if you had said Costco, I'd have run there. The pizza at Costco is incredible.
6. Why do actors star ON a tv show, but star IN a movie?
TBL: That's deep, dude. I'm just a blogger. I got no clue.
7. Sawyer vs Jin in a fight. Who you got?
TBL: Sawyer is a crafty bastard, but Jin was all mobbed up. Gotta go with Jin.
8. When their fastball is on, who’s funnier? Will Ferrell or Ozzie Guillen?
TBL: If Ozzie's barbs are directed at Jay Mariotti, he gets the call. Otherwise, gotta go with Will Ferrell.
9. Why don’t you guys cover dwarf tossing?
TBL: For the same reasons we don't cover beastiality.
10. Would you rather watch a Joey Porter reality show or one based on AJ Piersinsky?
TBL: Joey Porter, assuming he's still permitted within 100 yards of a casino.
11. What would you cherish more? Receiving a nude picture of Minka Kelly every day for a year or free gas for a year?
TBL: Too easy: don't own a car, so Minka Kelly. Even if I did, it's still Minka Kelly.
12. Who would be the most effective bodyguard for you:
TBL: Two years ago, it's Oakley. But gotta go with Mr. Ecko. Fact - once, I had a bad dream of some sort, and apparently, I said, 'Mr. Eckoooooooooooooo, nooooooooo!' in my sleep. Like he was dying or something. Sad.
13. If you owned a catering company, would you sell your services to a porn production company? Would the type of porn make a difference?
TBL: I don't know if I could face the family and the wife and ultimately, my kids, if my company was in any way, shape or form affiliated with porn. Then again, there are plenty of photos of Jessica Alba's ass on The Big Lead.
14. One athlete you would (theoretically) give up your kid to meet?
TBL: This may sound crazy, but my athlete adoration ended years ago. For awhile there it was Magic Johnson, but what the fuck am I going to say to the guy? How's the HIV? How many chicks did you bang? These guys, for the most part, aren't very deep. I interviewed LeBron a few times years ago, and he never struck me as a compelling human being. Awesome talent, yes, but to sit there and talk to the guy? Nah. It's entertaining just watching sports. And betting on sports is fun, too. Gun to head, it'd have to be a crazy motherfucker, like Gilbert Arenas, Chad Johnson, or one of the guys who used a dildo on hookers aboard the SS Vikings.
15. When is the last time you think Roger Goodell got some?
TBL: Probably the same day Peter King got laid.
16. Who would you want to do the play by play of your life, for a day? What about color guy?
TBL: Can i steal this and use it in my next interview? Cool. Um, hand me two 10-gallon hats, and throw these names in each: Marv Albert, Keith Jackson, Brent Musberger, Vin Scully, Bob Costas and Bill Walton or Dick Vitale on the color call.
17. Who has more street cred? Vitale or Lee Corso?
TBL: Neither. But at least Lee Corso doesn't spend hours on end worshipping at the altar of Duke.
18. Who’s banged more chicks? Jordan or Tommy Lee?
TBL: As cool as I think athletes are, I don't think they score as often as Rock Stars. There was probably a 5-year period where Tommy Lee averaged 300 different women a year. As a married guy, I don't think Jordan could put up those numbers in his prime.
19. Would you rather be able to throw a 95 mph fastball or do card tricks? Why?
TBL: If you had said dunk a basketball with authority, that would have been my choice. But I'll go with the fastball because maybe I could have inked a big contract out of high school and parlayed that into some good investments and never having to work after the age of 30.
20. In 25 years, your daughter marries Gilbert Arenas’ son. Do you let Gil plan the reception?
TBL: I don't know if I'll live another 25 years if I have a daughter.