Monday, July 09, 2007

20 Questions - Bringing The Noise Edition


All right boys and girls, it's time to introduce another guest to the class. Today we are graced by the presence of "Signal" from Signal To Noise. I check out the site every day, as he usually writes very reasoned and inciteful posts. He calls himself a recovering musician, though I'm not sure he's recovering from playing too much music or playing too many groupies. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, and go with too many groupies. Diversity reigns as he writes about music as well as sports. He even suggested I sample a particular Steely Dan song for my next album. When it becomes a hit, I hope he doesn't expect any royalties. I'm not really into sharing. Anyhoo, Signal is a cool cat that works in television news in San Luis Obispo. He digs most SoCal teams, most Denver teams, and Scarlett Johansson. I had the chance to ask him 20 asinine questions. Here are his more intelligent answers.

1. Kim Kardashian’s ass or Jessica Biel’s ass?

S2n: Biel's ass. I don't know whether someone has pissed on it or not, and that's not the case with Kardashian. Also, talented ass beats no-talent ass six ways to Sunday.

2. Would you watch EVERY televised WNBA game, in one season, if it meant never having to pay taxes of any kind for the rest of your life? No fast forwarding allowed.

S2n: Yes. I don't find WNBA ball as horrific to watch as some, and one season in exchange of getting rid of my tax burden would be more than fair.

3. If you could smack one of your college professors in the face, who would it be? Why?

S2n: My Intro to Classical Composition music prof, sophomore year -- his bright idea of having a three-movement composition and the analysis of a completely atonal German opera on consecutive days was not one of his brighter strokes, and justifying the due date by saying, "well, when I was a student here, that was the workload I had" reeked of pure douchebaggery.

4. The last time I was in LA it rained. Think I can sue Tony! Toni! Tone! for false advertising?

S2n: If it stops anyone from writing any more songs about how wonderful California or L.A. is, sure. Even the natives get kind of sick of the myth.

5. The Broncos are playing an undefeated Patriots team in the AFC Championship Game. The game starts at 3:30. At 3:15, the tv in the living room blows out. Your girl is watching the tv in the bedroom and she’s not budging. The tv in the garage gets piss poor reception. You live 5 miles from Wal-Mart, 25 minutes from the nearest sports bar, and you’re neighbors are assholes. What do you do?

S2n: Start times always say 3:30, but they really get underway at 3:40 or so, which gives me just enough time to get to the sports bar. I've never dated someone who didn't like football enough to not watch a playoff game, so while racing to the bar, I grouse a bit about possibly dumping the GF, but figure it's not worth it. Even if I miss a few minutes, it's the first quarter.

6. Why do we fly ON a plane, but ride IN a car?

S2n: Saying you ride ON a plane is a way to avoid admitting you're riding in a sardine tin more often than not. I'm 6'2", and I'm convinced that air travel was designed for people 5'6" and under.


7. Best jheri curl of all time? Doc Gooden, Gary Sheffield, or Eric Dickerson?

S2n: Doc Gooden, just because I was raised a Mets fan.

8. When does Pete Carrol’s deal with the Devil come due?

S2n: Pete Carroll actually got the better end of that deal. He traded massive success for never going back to the NFL. Now, you look at running one of college football's premiere programs in a city where no one is really gung ho about the NFL coming back (wrecks the TV viewing on Sundays and makes the traffic worse) and a school with gorgeous co-eds. I'm starting to think Pete Carroll is the devil.

9. Is dwarf tossing a more legitimate sport than dwarf bowling?

S2n: I'll take anything Olympic-derived as more sport than bowling, so dwarf-tossing gets the nod here.

10. Has Shaun Livingston wrecked his knee worse than Mitch Kupchak and Jim Buss have wrecked the Lakers?

S2n: Shaun Livingston's knee might actually function in a year or two. I don't think I can say that about the Lakers. This might wind up being the second coming of those mediocre teams post-Magic retirement.

11. What would you cherish more? Receiving a nude picture of Scarlett Johansen every day for a year or free gas for a year?

S2n: I pay $3.35 a gallon, and that's at Costco. Sorry, Scarlett. I'm taking the free gas.

12. Who would you’d rather have your back in a fight:

Charles Oakley
Tie Domi
Kyle Farnsworth
Elijah Dukes
Panthro

S2n: I gotta go with Panthro here, because the odds are pretty good that I'd be a badass cat-beast with powers and a sword, if he had my back.

13. If you owned a catering company, would you sell your services to a porn production company? Would the type of porn make a difference?

S2n: If I'm running a catering company, especially in Southern California, I'm taking any business I can get and hoping that I can avoid guy-on-guy sets.

14. One athlete you would (theoretically) give up your kid to meet?

S2n: Muhammad Ali. No question. You don't see athletes that mean so much more than their sport any more.

15. Bigger pimp. David Stern or Roger Goodell?

S2n: David Stern has kept the hand strong for longer and in a velvet glove. You can make the argument that Rog of Iron Fist has to do what he's done, the Pacman precedent is going to come back to haunt him a little. To steal from the Godfather, Goodell is the Club, Stern is the Rapier.

16. Who would you want to do the play by play of your life, for a day? What about color guy?

S2n: Vin Scully. It's really not even close, and the beauty of it is that he wouldn't need a color guy.

17. Gus Johnson and Stephen A. anchor a NCAA Tournament game. Brilliant idea or biggest clusterfuck since New Coke?

S2n: Clusterfuck. They'd be walking all over one another. The beauty of Gus Johnson is that someone has to be there to play straight man for him.

18. Who’s banged more chicks? Jordan or Tommy Lee?

S2n: Tommy Lee. Hard drugs and booze in the late 80s Sunset Strip scene make for more sex partners than he probably even remembers.

19. Would you rather be able to throw a 95 mph fastball or throw a football 60 yards in the air? Why?

S2n: I'd rather throw 95 mph heat, because being able to throw deep is no guarantee of making an NFL roster. Whereas, if you look at the pudgy dudes who make bullpens and starting staffs, I figure I could give being a lockdown closer a serious shot.

20. In 25 years, your daughter marries Gilbert Arenas’ son. Do you let Gil plan the reception?

S2n: If Agent Zero is paying for that reception, then he can do whatever the hell he wants -- and I would expect no fewer than two ice statues.

2 comments:

Jason said...

I gotta go with Panthro here, because the odds are pretty good that I'd be a badass cat-beast with powers and a sword, if he had my back.

Too risky--you might also be freakin' Snarf.

(Nice Q&A)

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