Tuesday, August 28, 2007

You Wanna Tussle?

I got a friend who knows someone that works for the NSA, and he hipped me to a conversation that was recorded during what I'm sure was a "legal" wiretap. He transcribed it for me and emailed it to me. It's pretty illuminating. I'm from the south and even I hadn't heard of this. We pick things up mid-conversation.

Charlie Fox: What?
Willie D: You heard me.
Charlie Fox: Possums?
Willie D: Possums.
Charlie Fox: And raccoons?
Willie D: No doubt. It’s dope. When you come to town, you gotta check it out.
Charlie Fox: Isn’t that illegal?
Willie D: Where on the books, is there a law against possums and raccoons fighting? Point it out to me and I’ll act accordingly.
Charlie Fox: Well if there isn’t, there ought to be.
Willie D: Dude I’ve been hunting coon since I was 12. And I’ve killed more possums than Amy Winehouse killed brain cells.
Charlie Fox: Really?
Willie D: If a possum strolls into your yard, you can shoot him with impunity.
Charlie Fox: Are you serious?
Willie D: What, the cops are gonna jump in my shit for killing a varmint intruding on my property? Not likely. But now, instead of shooting them, I set traps and capture ‘em. Stick ‘em in a cage without food until they’re meaner than Medusa on her period.
Charlie Fox: What about the raccoons?
Willie D: Same thing. Trap ‘em and keep ‘em. But I feed the shit out of them to get ‘em fat.
Charlie Fox: They get big?
Willie D: Try to imagine a pinto with fur, but bigger.
Charlie Fox: Damn!
Willie D: Damn skippy. But once they get fat, I stop feeding them for a week. You wanna talk about nasty? Dude, it gets ugly. Real ugly.
Charlie Fox: Then they fight?
Willie D: Then they fight. You’d think the raccoon has the advantage with his size, but possums are crafty, dirty little bastards. Possums are basically the Dennis Rodman of the Varmint Fighting League. They bite in impolite places. But then again, sometimes the raccoon overpowers the opossum and squashes his ass. It’s fascinating as hell.
Charlie Fox: And people show up to bet on the matches?
Willie D: Hell yeah. It’s like having Animal Planet in your backyard. How many times have you watched Discovery Channel and been like “Yo I got my money on the hyena. Dude is sick.” Now you really can put your money down.
Charlie Fox: What do you with the animals that lose?
Willie D: Finish them off and-
Charlie Fox: Do you do it humanely?
Willie D: Well I don’t cut its nuts off and stick a live wire up his ass. I just put a bullet in its head. Then I drain it, skin it, and eat it.
Charlie Fox: You eat possum and raccoon?
Willie D: I live in the south. What the fuck don’t we eat down here? Besides, if they’re eaten? No evidence.
Charlie Fox: How do they taste?
Willie D: Well, both are a bit gamey. But, if you load up on the hot sauce, onions, and paprika it’s not that bad. I usually end up giving most of it away, anyway.
Charlie Fox: I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.
Willie D: Well believe it, cause this shit’s about to get big. So far, I’ve supplied all the animals, but I got dudes looking to get into training their own. I’m about to make money kid.
Charlie Fox: Just don’t end up like Vick.
Willie D: PETA don’t care about animals that can’t show emotion. You never see them protest lobster fishermen do you? As long as I keep it intra-state, the Feds can’t get me. And if I keep it local and cut the Sheriff in, I’m golden. No worries mate, for real. So, are you gonna check it out when you come to town?
Charlie Fox: Are you crazy? Hell yeah! I gotta see this shit.


The HCIC said...

but do you really put money on the hyenas, d? do i need to the authorities to stake out meerkat manor for illegal activities?

Gangsta D said...

Hyenas vs any cat but lions? You gotta put money on the hyenas. Do meerkats fight? If they do, you may wanna holla at the Feds. Folk is trying to come up now that Vick ruined dogfighting for the next decade.